!!!! Parrot Jokes!!!!


Parrot Auctions

A gentleman attends an Auction and discovers that one of the items is a large colorful Macaw and he decided he would like to own it.

When the bird comes up for sale the auctioneer asks "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and he opens the bid with £700.
"£800"......"£850".... "£950" went the next few bids.
Bidding goes this way for several minutes until the bidder finds himself the owner for £1200.  He approached the auctioneer and asks "Can the bird talk?" To which the auctioneer replied "Who do you think was bidding against you?"




Bird Watching

Newly married couple was settling into their honeymoon when one morning they decided to buy a parrot that they saw in a store, they took it back to their hotel where they kept it in their room.  However the parrot kept a running commentary on their lovemaking and after a few days the groom threw a blanket over the cage and shouted "One more word out of you and I'm taking you to a zoo and leaving you there!"
On the last day, the couple was packing their bags, ready to go home.  They had bought so many souvenirs that they had trouble closing their suitcases.  They decided that one should stand on the case as the other tried to fasten it.
"Darling" said the groom "you get on top and I'll try".  This was unsuccessful, so he said "Darling I will get on top and you try".
This didn't work either, so at this point, the groom said, "Let's both get on top and try"
At this point, the parrot whipped off the blanket and shouted "zoo or no zoo, this I have GOT TO SEE!"



Hey Lady!!!
A lady is walking down the street on her way to work when she sees a parrot in a pet shop.  The parrot says to her: 'Hey Lady! You're really ugly!'  The lady is furious and storms past.  On the way home from work, she sees the same parrot.  The bird squawks: 'Hey Lady! You're really ugly!'  The woman is incredibly irritated now.
The next day she sees the parrot once more. Again it says: 'Hey Lady! You're really ugly!'  This time the woman storms into the shop and tells the owner she'll sue him and kill the damned bird.  The shop manager promises the parrot won't say it again.
When the lady walks past the following day, the parrot pipes up: 'Hey Lady!'  She pauses for a moment or two, then answers: 'Yes?' the bird says: 'You Know'




!!!Our House Rules!!! (As stipulated by Parrots)



When you visit my home you are graciously welcom but please remember the following::

1. The birds  live here.  You don't.

2. If you don't want bird poop on your clothes, stay off  the furniture.

3. Yes, sure they have some disgusting habits., so do I, and so do you.  What's your point?

4. OF COURSE  they smell like peanuts.

5. It's their nature to try to beak your crotch.  Please feel free to tweak theirs!

6. I like them a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you they are just birds;  To me they are adopted children who are small and feathery, walk pidgeon toed and don't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Parrots are BETTER than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,  usually answer when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion Pounds for college, and if they make babies, you can sell them.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you...until you're asleep.








Parrotmania UK
              If it fits in my beak I want it!!  If it dosn't fit in my beak i still want it!!!.


Parrot Cookery.



!!How to stuff your parrot!!     


Ingredients:

Turkey stuffing, Sweet potatoes, Mashed potatoes, Gravy, Green beans, Cranberry Sauce, Hot rolls and butter, Relish tray, Pumpkin pie with whipped cream, Hot coffee


Instructions

1. Get up early in the morning and have a cup of coffee.  It's going to be a long day, so place your Parrot on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal.
2. Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
3. Prepare stuffing, and remove Parrot from edge of stuffing bowl and return him to perch.
4. Stuff turkey and place it in the roasting pan, and remove Parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch.
5. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves.
6. Remove Parrot's head from turkey cavity and return him to perch.
7. Re-stuff the turkey.
8. Prepare relish tray, and remember to make twice as much so that you'll have a regular size serving after the Parrot has eaten his fill.
9. Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
10. Prepare cranberry sauce, discard berries accidentally flung to the floor by Parrot.
11. Peel potatoes remove Parrot from edge of potato bowl and return him to perch.
12. Arrange sweet potatoes in a pan and cover with brown sugar and mini-marshmallows.
13. Remove Parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch.
14. Replace missing marshmallows.
15. Brew another pot of coffee.  While it is brewing, clean up and replace the torn filter.
16. Pry coffee bean from Parrot beak.  Have another cup of coffee.
17.Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch

When it is time to serve the meal:

18. Place roasted turkey on a large platter, and cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley.
19. Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl, re-whip at last minute to conceal beak marks and claw prints.
20. Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard, forget presentation as there's no way to hide the areas of missing marshmallows.
21. Put rolls in decorative basket, remove Parrot from side of basket and return him to perch.
22. Remove beaked rolls, serve what's left.
23.Set a stick of butter out on the counter to soften. think better and return it to the refrigerator.
24. Wipe down counter to remove mashed potato claw tracks.
25. Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
26. Cut the pie into serving slices.
27. Wipe whipped cream off Parrot's beak and place large dollops of remaining whipped cream on pie slices.
28. Whole slices are then served to guests, beaked-out portions should be reserved for hosts and hostesses.
29.Place Parrot inside cage and lock the door.
30.Sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family - accompanied by plaintive cries of "WANT DINNER!" from the other room





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.Parrot Laws  (as stipulated by parrots)


1. If it's on the floor, it's mine!
2. If it is small enough to fit in my beak, it is mine!
3. If you have it and put it down for a second, it's mine!
4. If you have put it away where I can't reach it and I get to it, it's mine!
5. If you throw it in the bin because you don't want it, it's mine!
6. If it is something that I know that I shouldn't have, it's mine!
7. If it is on your plate and you look away for 1 second, it's mine!
8. The credit cards and cash you keep in your wallet if left laying around are mine
9. The souvenir that you bought on that holiday that you just came back from is mine!          
10.That piece of cake you left on the chair while you went to the toilet is mine!
11. Those cables for your computer are mine!
12. That valuable piece of antique furniture is mine!
13. In fact, everything you own is mine!


Isn't it just great being a parrot, I get to chew everything up!!!!!!


 


DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,
"Get him, Spike!"